You are super, duper, puper!

I made chili last night.  As we were sitting around the table to eat my son said, "Mom, you are the BEST cook! This chili is super duper puper!"  I said, "Thanks, Sam! It makes my heart so happy to hear that!"  He said, "But I said puper (pooper)!"  "Yes, but it still makes my heart happy."

There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  It helps you figure out how you best receive love and how you can best love your mate.  I have never been completely sure about how I best receive love...until last night.  My heart just soared at my son complimenting me.  Then I remembered other times he has told me how much he loves me or my cooking and how I can live on that compliment for days.


Here is how the book describes this love language...

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important–hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

So, I was thinking about all of this today....Thinking about the class I am teaching on the book by Beth Moore, So Long Insecurity....How does it all fit together?  How can I be a secure person, but still have a need to be affirmed by other people at such a deep level?  Isn't that an insecurity?

Well...here's what I've come up with...

Feeling loved when my spouse (or someone else) praises me or tells me they love me is a good thing.

Depending on someone's affirmation to feel good about who I am in this world is not ok.

It's a fine line, isn't it?

It's the part about the insults that really gets me.  Chapman says, "Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten."  That is so true for me.

Someone once said to me..."What you just said brought no value to this conversation."  What I heard was...You are not valuable.

Someone once said to me..."You don't have a clue what you're talking about!"  What I heard was...You're dumb.

So, what do I do with insults?  How do I cope???

Well...I cope by taking the words that are not affirming before the Lord.  I ask God if those words / that message lines up with HIS truth.  If it doesn't then I try so very hard to discard the words.  I work to take every thought captive.  I focus on only thinking on things that are lovely and pure and true.  I need to focus on what HE says about me.

When I'm not getting the words of affirmation that my soul longs for from the relationships in my life then I have to make a choice to go to the Lord and ask Him to remind me who HE says I am.

That is when I am secure...when my heart is full because I know my identity in Christ.  I am secure when HIS voice is louder than any other voice in my life...when HIS affirmation is what I long for.

How about you, what is your love language?  How do you cope when you are not receiving love in that way?

I'm learning a lot about discipline.

Sadly, I'm learning a lot about what not to do.

I'm learning that discipline is about rest as well as work.  God rested on the 7th day for a reason.  I need to spend time resting every week as well.

This weekend I crashed!  The last two weeks have been a crazy mess of commitments, work and doing more than I should.

This weekend was quiet, quiet from start to finish.  I could literally feel my soul soaking up the slowness...that's a GOOD thing.

I have started writing out what a disciplined life would look like, schedule-wise, for me.  I'm asking myself questions like...How do I really live out my priorities...the things God has called me to do?  What good things do I need to say no to so that I can pour my time, attention and focus into the best things.  I will post it all when I'm done.  I'm working through it all slowly so that it's not just about a schedule, it's about making my life work in a way that I am living out God's best for me.

I believe that discipline is about prayer.  It's about focus.  It's about the Best vs Good.

What are your thoughts?  What does discipline mean to you?  How do you live it out in your life?

These last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind for me.  My feet hit the floor and I am running until the kids go to bed at night.

Today I find myself feeling overwhelmed (and yes, that is a HUGE understatement!).  So, I closed my office door, turned off the lights, lit a candle and decided to write on my blog.

______________________________

I have come to believe over the last month that an enormous part of having self-discipline is exercising self-care.

In other words, I have to care about myself enough to do the things my body needs to be healthy, to do the things my spirit needs to thrive, and to do the things my mind needs to be calm and focused.

As I have been thinking about why I have been so bad at self-care I have come to the conclusion that it has something to do with self-esteem and self-value.  Let me explain...

I told a story in Bible study yesterday.  It was a story about my life.  It was a story that I hadn't thought about for years.  It was the story of how I found out that my dad had died.  It's not a pretty story.  I wasn't there with him.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  It wasn't sweet or peaceful or comforting.  Maybe someday I'll tell on my blog how it all went down, but for now, I'll say this....as I was telling the story to the ladies in my group God spoke a revelation to my heart.  He said, "That's when you believed the lie that said you don't matter."

What??????

Really?????

And then it all came flooding in...that's when I bought into the lie...that's when I let myself believe that I come last.  That's when I believed that other people's time, emotions, money, perspective, you name it is more important.  That's when I began down the dangerous path of not giving credence to what made me healthy.  That's when I believed I didn't matter.

I know...I know...It's twisted...I have a fabulous family.  I have wonderful friends who believe in me and cherish me.  But...But...But...I still believed the lie.  And boy has that lie screwed things up!

Don't get me wrong, I don't let just anybody know I feel this way.  I wear a great mask...and that's a whole other issue for a whole other day!

So, what do I do with all this information????

I'm still working on that.  I know that I matter to God.  I know He adores me.  Now I have to live like I BELIEVE that! I have to see the world through the lense that says...I am a child of God...I will take care of myself so that I can be all that He has called me to be...He wants me to do that!

This journey is not easy.  In fact, self-evaluation is hard.  It is stirring up things in me that I haven't had stirred in a long long time.  But, it is a good journey.  I am thankful for the truth God is speaking to my heart.  Now, it is my job to act on that truth.

So,

What is God speaking to you about today?

Sometimes the definition of discipline for me is simply keeping my mouth shut.


There are so many times, especially with the immediate gratification of social media, that I absolutely want to blast someone or share the exact thing that is driving me crazy at that moment on twitter or facebook.  But, for the most part, I use my better judgement, exercise discipline and restrain from giving into the temptation to either be negative or to say too much.


Proverbs 10:19 says:


¹⁹ Too much talk leads to sin.
      Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.


I pray daily that God would give me His wisdom and show me when to speak and when to stay quiet.

‎"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons." ~Twelve Pillars


I have been doing a ton of soul searching over the last two weeks.  I vacillate between wanting to understand why I fight discipline and wanting to just forget about the why and get on with it.  The conclusion? They both are important.  I need to know the why so that when the journey feels impossible I can be prepared and understand what I'm facing.  I need to just get on with it because the procrastinating side of myself could stay in the why forever.


So, here is what discipline means to me:
- Delayed gratification
- Choosing what is best for me in the long run, while sacrificing what feels good in the moment
- Becoming exactly who God has truly created me to be
- Knowing my priorities and actually living them out


Here's the bottom line truth.  I can have good intentions all day long about who I intend to be, what I intend to do and how I intend to live my life.  But, until I begin to turn those intentions into actions they mean NOTHING.  I don't want to be the person who always intended to have a good relationship with my family but time got away from me.  I don't want to be the person who intended to be organized and on top of life but always said I'd start tomorrow.  I don't want to be the person who ends up missing out on the BEST life has to offer because something just GOOD or OK came along today.


So, what does this all mean???  It means I'm focusing more on actions and less on intentions.  It means that I am breaking free of settling for GOOD and reaching for God's best.  It means all the little choices I make everyday add up to the big picture of my life.  I know what that picture could like...now I'm going to make my actions line up with my intentions and actually live the picture out!

More Than 140 Characters

It's been nine months since my last blog entry.

Sad.

I think social media has replaced my need to blog.  But, just recently, I have felt the need to say more than 140 characters on twitter.

__________________________________________

Life is very good.

First day of school

Emma and Sam have started school.  

Emma's first day of 3rd grade

Emma is in third grade.  Her teacher's name is Ms. Guillory.  Ms. Guillory smiles a lot and describes her class as dreamy and squishy.  So cute!

Sam's first day of kindergarten

Sam is in kindergarten.  His teacher's name is Mrs. Davis.  She is exactly what every kindergarten teacher should be...pretty...sweet...soft-spoken, yet firm.  She sent me an email telling me how proud I should be that I have a son like Sam. I am.

I am still working at Cross Timbers as one of the counseling pastors.  My hours have gone from 20/week to approximately 25 - 30.

Erik is still working at Cross Timbers as well.  He is soaring.  I am so proud of him.  He is the hardest worker I have ever known.  I love his strength of character and am very thankful for him.

__________________________________________

Being a working mom is truly one of the biggest challenges and life changes I've ever encountered.  I'm trying to figure out how to juggle my time and give my all to my family, while still being present for work.  I'm having a hard time learning how to take care of my family's needs while still making time to take care of myself.  I desperately need to know how to push really hard when I need to push hard and relax hard when I need to relax.  If the truth be told, I don't feel like I'm doing any part of life well.

These last few weeks I have had my thoughts set on discipline and what that word means and looks like in my life.  I need to figure out why I struggle against discipline.  What is it about me that wants to rebel against the walls of a structured life?  Why do I feel so suffocated by what is the best thing for me?

In my search for answers I have really pushed into the idea that I need to change at more than a behavior level.  I need to change at a belief and identity level.  Somewhere along the way I have believed a lie about myself or about God that causes me to chose self destruction over health.  I am on a mission to discover the what, when, why and how about what I believe and then to ask God to replace that lie with HIS truth.

So, that is the journey I am on.  

I have decided to blog about it because:

1.  I want some accountability.

2.  Someone out there might be on the same journey and realize they are not alone

3.  Someday I want to look back and see how far I have come.

So, how about you?  Any thoughts on discipline?  Do you live a disciplined life?  If so, where does that come from inside of you?  If not, why not?

Introspective & Self-Criticizing

Do you ever have those days when you are introspective? No, that's not the word.  Do you ever have those days when you are self-critical?  Days when you analyze every aspect of yourself?

I had one of those days today...

Why doesn't that person want to be my friend?
Why am I not loyal enough?
Why do I continually make wrong choices?
Why am I not a better Christian?
Why do I let that one friend hurt my feelings over and over and over again?
Why do I focus on the most unimportant thing instead of my child who is standing right in front of my?
Why does it feel the like everyone around me is living the most amazing, community filled life, while I feel lonely?
What is wrong with me?

Seriously, I hate these days!

And, as I self-inspect (self-criticize) further I realize that every flaw that I have contributes to every question I ask about myself.

But then I remember the verses I read earlier this week out of Matthew 8.  As I inspect further I know that what I want in life is to be the kind of person who has faith like the Roman officer who asks Jesus to heal his servant.  He tells Jesus that he doesn't need to come to his house, but that he knows if Jesus will speak the word it will be done.  And, here's the part I long for...Matthew 8:10 says, "When Jesus heard this He was amazed."

Can you imagine having the kind of heart and faith that Jesus is AMAZED by?????

So, on the days when I am wondering...

When will I feel like I belong here?

I pray that Matthew 8:10 will come to my mind and I will stop self-criticizing and begin to live to try to amaze the ONLY one who's opinion matters in the light of eternity.

A BlackBerry Perspective

Christmas and the end of 2009 was a very fun time for our family.  The only problem is that just about the only pictures I took were on my phone!  So, excuse the poor quality of the pics.  They are all I've got :)

Sam was in his very last preschool Christmas program.  He was such a ham.  We loved watching him perform.  I was am so sad that he is growing up so quickly!

Our church family spent a night together helping a local charity put together bikes and trikes and big wheels for boys and girls for Christmas.  This night was a highlight of our Christmas holiday.  I love being able to give to others along side the people we do life with.  Such a blessing!

Sam got a MUCH needed new coat and was very proud of it!

These were Emma's new slippers that she got to wear to "Pajama Day" at school.  She was thrilled with them!

Rhoda and I tried our hand at making wedding bouquets.  It was a lot of fun, a new experience and turned out pretty well.  I'm very excited to see what 2010 has to bring for our business Happy Hearts!

At the afore mentioned wedding event I got a flat tire!  It took us three days to get a new tire on and get everything squared away!  I was sooooo thankful that I have a husband who takes care of me and makes sure our cars are taken care of too!

It snowed on Christmas Eve here in TX!  The kids were sooooooo excited.  Emma could not wait to get outside and catch snowflakes with her tongue.

Sadly, this is one of the only pictures I took on Christmas morning.  What was I thinking????  We had a really nice day together.  Sam was modeling some glasses that came with his new Nerf gun stuff.  The fire was roaring all day, there was snow on the ground and apple cider warm on the stove.  It was a wonderful day!

On Christmas afternoon some close friends came over for dinner, playing games and enjoying the holiday together.  The turkey was soooooo good!  We had such an easy and comfortable time.  So thankful for where we are at and the people we are surrounded by!

On Dec. 27th we embarked on a trip to Arizona to see Nana.  It was a two day drive.  We enjoyed our most favorite road trip treat....Dairy Queen!

FINALLY we got to Arizona!

There were more ice cream treats to be eaten in Arizona!

There were amazing sunsets to be seen!

There were amazing views from my mom's condo to enjoy.

So, there you have it.  The end of 2009 from the perspective of my BlackBerry!  I am resolving to use a real camera a lot more in 2010!

The Poof Instructions

I just came across a new blog today.  This video CRACKED ME UP!!!!  It is so Southern, so me!  I LOVE it!  I wish I knew these sisters!  We would be friends for sure!!!!!


Poofing from Jennifer Francis on Vimeo.

This weekend was life changing for me.

My flaws were exposed.

My emotions were numb yet on heightened alert.

I was broken.

I was forgiven.

I was shown grace and mercy.

My commitment to do what God has called me to do and be was renewed.

'nuf said

Thankful

It's Thanksgiving morning. There is a lot of cooking, parade watching, turkey grilling and great smells being experienced in our house.

I have so many things to be immensely thankful for. God has done an amazing work in my life and in the life of my family over the last year! But before I spread all my Thanksgiving cheer I want to say one thing...

On just about every holiday I fight fight fight the urge to become nostalgic and think about the people I love who are not with us on that particular day. I miss my dad with my whole heart, I wish my mom, brother and I lived closer, I hope for the day I get to spend a holiday with Mea & Pal again.

I have always longed for those holidays where the house is full of my family, Erik's family, our family.

But, for many different and very complicated reasons we now find ourselves spending most holidays without our family of origins.

An amazing thing has happened though...an amazing thing! God has always, no matter where we are, blessed us with friends who feel like (who are) family. He has brought people into our lives who love us and who we love. They take us in, we take them in, and holidays become about family again.

So, today we are going over to the Sanchez' house. We are going to laugh, eat a lot and know that God has blessed us over and above...beyond measure!

I will wait for the day when my mom and brother are out of school and can travel on the holidays. I will wait for the day when we can financially afford to travel to them. I will remember my dad's laugh and how much he loved pecan pie. I know that in years to come my house (or their homes) will be bustling and filled with laughter, filled with family who adore each other.

Today I will focus on the AMAZING friends who have become family. Today I will know that my family has grown over the last few years and that God has brought these people into my life to sharpen me. They make me a better mom, wife and friend. I am so very thankful for that!

So, on to my Thankful List...

Today I am thanking God that...

• I have a home that is really home to me. I love it! I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!
• My family is together, we are re-discovering laughter in our home and we have found a brand new, over-the-top, amazing kind of normal this past year. I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!
• God speaks to my heart everyday about His love for me, His grace for me, His mercy for me. He has changed me. He has removed the masks I hid behind and is replacing my hurts with compassion for the hurting. HE is amazing!!!!! I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!
• I have a husband who is my personal hero. He has fought and fought and, when he was down, fought some more to make a life for our family in the midst of adversity. Erik has stood at the bow of our "ship" and steered us to a place of blessing. I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!
• Cross Timbers is my church home. I have found a place of belonging. I have found people who love me for me...regardless of my flaws and my junk...they see me as an amazing creation whom God is healing and restoring. I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!
• My mom loves me no matter what. She is a voice of encouragement no matter what. She supports me in all I do...200%! I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!
• My daughter has a contagious laugh and loves to love people. She is creative. She is meticulous. She is SMART. She is a joy and a light in my life. I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!
• My son is affectionate. He is funny. He saves me kisses. He has a strength that I can already see, even at 4. I am THANKFUL!!!!!!!

I am blessed.

I'm Semi-Sweet

I had a crazy past seven days. Here's what I realized/experienced during this whirlwind week:

1. I used to be a sugary-sweet, people pleasing, co-dependent. I can no longer be described that way. I am healing. I am now a semi-sweet, people LOVING, God-dependent person.

2. The mask I used to wear to hide my emotions no longer fits my face. I am so so so glad!

3. Seeing a baby being born is one of the most beautiful sights EVER!

4. I love the people God has placed in my life with all my heart...friends, family, co-workers, neighbors...they profoundly affect me.

5. My husband choosing to buy me Bon Jovi tickets over getting new tires for his truck made me feel like a princess.

6. When I put my mind to it I can get a lot accomplished in a short amount of time.

7. When someone does something that hurts my kids it absolutely breaks my heart and, shamefully, makes me want to go after that person with a vengeance!!!

and,

8. I realized how far God has brought me...but I also saw how incredibly far I still have to go. I'm excited to see the work He has planned to do in my heart!!!!

Sonic & Horton Hears a Who Make it all Better

Yesterday the weather was amazing!!!! The sun was shining, there was a light breeze...it was Texas at it's finest.

Sam decided to go outside and play a little football. Nothing could make us happier, so to the backyard he went.

About 30 minutes later I heard a piercing scream, which I just KNEW meant we would be taking a trip to the hospital.

Erik got to Sam first. Sam quickly explained that he had been running with the football, tripped and fell head-first into the brick retaining wall that is behind our house. From the looks of it he "caught" himself with his eye.

Poor baby! (By the way...the picture doesn't do it justice)It took all of 5 seconds for me to decide that we were heading to urgent care. His eye immediately began to swell and I immediately began to panic. As we drove there we called Jenn, our pediatrician's wife, who helped calm me down. From talking to her and being reassured that we would be getting a call from the doctor shortly we decided that a treat from Sonic was more in order.

The doctor called a little later to check on Sam. His head hurt most of the night...but with the help of tylenol, an ice pack and "Horton Hears a Who" we were able to keep it under control.

His eye looks pretty nasty this morning, but I'm so thankful because it could have been so much worse!

So, we are past the very first football injury. Any chance that will be the last????

Big Rocks Go in First!

Two weeks ago I took a hard look at my life and the busyness that was running my world. I decided that enough was enough. I made a detailed schedule for our family and decided that anything else that tried to creep in would be immediately cut out. Well, honestly, that lasted for about three days and then work got over the top busy and my new schedule went out the window.

So, here I am, 14 days after I began thinking about implementing a disciplined schedule feeling like my efforts were a dismal failure.

But, a disciplined life is not for the faint of heart!

So, today we will start again. We are slowing down, putting the "big rocks" in our schedule first and then whatever else will fit is bonus. We are going to stick to our values and therefore be the best we can be so that we can do what God has called us to do.

Give me some tips...What do you do to stay/be disciplined? How do you keep your schedule from being so busy that you can't breathe?

NOW

I'm starting a new blog because there is a lot of emotional junk attached to my previous blog. It was private because it had to be. I had to hide from mean people who were looking to twist my words and celebrate in my failures. Well, NOT TODAY DEVIL!!!!!

I have moved on and moved up!

When I look at the difference in my life 3 years ago compared to today I cannot believe the changes.

Three years ago I felt like I was drowning. I felt like I was living life with a mask on. I felt like I had to perform to be perceived as ok.

But now....NOW....

NOW I'm in a place where performance does NOT equal value. NOW I'm in a place where I can be more real than I've ever been before. I can say exactly what's on my mind to the people around me and I have no thought or worry that they are going to judge me. NOW I'm in a place where I experience God's love, grace and mercy on a daily basis. NOW I am walking in real freedom!

But, this freedom has had a price. I think that freedom always comes with a price. I miss my long time dear dear close to my heart friends. I miss living in the same town with my family. I miss the dreams that I was SURE were going to come to pass.

However, Jesus paid an ENORMOUS price so that I could walk in freedom. The price that I am paying for this bit of earthly freedom pales in comparison to the price He paid so that I could have ETERNAL freedom.

I'm soooooo thankful. It's been the hardest road I've ever walked, but I'm soooooo thankful for where this road has led us.

So, here's to a new blog, a new life and, most of all, here's to FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!